the Sherlock’s among you may have noticed, i’ve stopped blogging.
i’d like to tell you why.
it has come mostly, from a place deep inside, one that stirred up lots of emotions i long thought i’d forgotten.
in high school i was bullied, rather badly. perhaps i did take a little too much to heart, but when, for 6 long years (yep – i’m talking from year 7 when we sat in the safety of the quad right through to the end of year 12 when we sat those final days on the wooden benches and tables out on the top field), you are laughed at, ridiculed, threatened, and tormented by boys and girls in your grade (and sometimes JUST for shits and giggles, kids from other grades), it’s going to have a bit of a lasting impact.
high school was a catch-22 for me (like most kids i imagine). while (ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!) not wanting to actually be one of the ‘popular’ kids, i still craved acceptance. i wanted to be left alone to enjoy Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings with my friends, not mocked, picked on, yelled at, had fruit thrown at my face, had my hair pulled at parties, spat on, etc. i just wanted to be left the fuck alone to be me.
but i had a voice, and a very loud one, so i was never going to be left alone. i also stood up for my friends, heck i stood up for people who weren’t my friends – and that made everything about this skinny tall teenager a big fat (ha ha) target. the difference then and the difference now, is that then, i didn’t choose to be a target – now as an adult, as a blogger, i had chosen to be a target.
there is a difference between being loud (and proud!) and being confident. as a teenager i was loud and scared, as an adult i finally came to a place where i was confident enough that i could loud or quiet, whatever the hell i wanted. last year that confidence and self-belief was stripped away, and i did it to myself. my blog turned from a place to share fun things i was doing, eating, making, seeing – into a place where i craved numbers, validation and opinions. i was desperate to be liked. i felt like i was missing out, that i had to attend every event i was invited to, that i had to write about every product. my blog ceased to be about me and became a projection of a fake life.
how desperate does that sound? i was desperate. and i’m way too fucking awesome to be desperate. i have an amazing life (really i do) in my amazing house, with my amazing fiance planning our amazing wedding, and my amazing kitty (if she’d just stop pissing on my clothes!) and i have amazing friends, and an amazing family, and everything is just so bloody amazing all the blood time. instead of blogging about that amazingess, and i’ve been living my amazingness. and, it’s been – AMAZING!
i still believe in blogging, i am still in love with the idea of blogging and believe that like social media, it’s a revolution that is still so young – it can change the world. but i don’t want to blog anymore. there i said it.
what a weight of the shoulders.
i’m not trying to sound all preachy-preach, believe me. i’m just sharing how i feel. i still believe in blogging, i just don’t believe in it for me, or rather, not for me in this current form.
i totally still want to be surrounded by bloggers, and work with bloggers – in fact, instead of putting me first, i want to put you bloggers first. through the NZ Blog Collective, and all the insane ideas Sarah, Joanne and i have for it, i want to help bloggers turn their blogs into amazing places for people to come and really connect with. i want to help and provide guidance to people who feel like maybe they are falling into the high school trap, i want to help people who’s blogs are all about projecting a fantasy life, because hey those blogs are awesome too if that’s what you really want to write about! (i just didn’t).
i want to turn blogging on it’s head here, and put NZ on the blogging map.
i still LOVE writing. clearly. maybe i’ll do guest posts? maybe i’ll help bloggers with their posting ideas, schedules, inspiration – who knows. i’ve got a very special bloggy friend who is letting me use her as guinea pig for some of my ideas, so that will be my starting point.
i can’t wait to share with you the journey on this – maybe the blog will continue in that form. there are so many variables. i just no that now i feel free and excited again. i’m keeping this domain, because it totally represents me, and who i am. i am Dani. and,
dani, just is.